Ever have the feeling that the person you are looking at in the mirror is like a total stranger to you? Ever felt that you have no idea who you are anymore? That's what i've been feeling recently and i'm not sure why. Who's the real me exactly? The one at home or the one in school? Honestly, i like the me in school - the one who's not as temperamental, more sociable than the me at home. But i'm getting confused.

Someone once said this "Does being strong mean that i need no love and care at all?". This has left quite a deep impression in me. Yes, there has always been a wrong perception that a person who's emotionally stronger than others will face little or no problem. Even if they do, they can definitely tackle the problems face-to-face independently and with no trouble at all. Aren't these people human too? Do you know that these people are the ones who are the weakest afterall. they just don't voice it out. They need love and care too, yet people don't see the need to shower those upon them. Times i wish i can appear much weaker than i am right now, but my environment doesn't allow me to do so. Who can i talk to? I have no idea. Some people are just so far away, some are so caught up with their own life, some are already so stressed out with their lives. The need to talk to someone who understands what i'm going through is increasingly strong.

Stressed? I would say slightly. With all the expectations and the competitive environment in school, it's impossible to say no. Many friends say i stress myself. Maybe i do, but it's essential if i want to do well in future. I have expectations to meet, and dreams to fufil. No one knows how high the expectations of me are. Friends, parents of friends( even primary school friends), sister's friends' parents, relatives, teachers....the list goes on. What can i do. When the expectations are set, there's nothing you can go about changing it but meeting them? And some people just have to stress me with some other stupid stuff.

Despite all the confusion and dilemma i'm facing right now, there's one thing i'm certain of => I'm scared of relationships with commitments or burdens. I stay as far as possible away from them, regardless of friendships or bgrs. I guess i just don't like being tied down, or when people expect me to change for " the greater good" of the relationship. To me, stress from such relationships are scarier than those from studies. In relationships, the harder you push for me to commit, the further i move away from it. I'm sorry, that's just me. It's my character. I have commitment problems and i don't do promises AT ALL because i know that the future lies in uncertainty. What i promise you right now, i'm not confident of fulfiling it. And the idea of changing my character just for the relationship to work, it's repulsive to me. It will never work. I'll just be unhappy and things will turn out ugly. I guess i like friendships with lots of fun, and of course it's not just about fun but the idea of having someone there for each other. But, if a friendship means that i'm going to be unhappy everyday or having quarrels or heated discussion every now and then, maybe it's not meant to be. I know i'm being harsh here, but it's what everyone's been telling me. Give it up, if it doesn't work. Based on my character, i don't like the idea of blowing off a relationship, or have never even given a thought about it. It's just not me, i rather like making the best out of it. I hate to come to a day when i have to make such a terrible decision. Sometimes, i wish i'm like my sister. She doens't care about other people's feeling. Afterall, you are responsible for the welfare of yourself. If you are not happy in the first place, why care about others? You place yourself in the top most priority. We don't live for others, we live for ourselves. I think many should be glad i'm not like that.=)

Recently, my friends have been talking stuff about boy girl relationships, official or scandals. Yup, those have definitely entertained me and yet triggered me to observe everyone. I realise that geez, there are so many couples of our age around! And potential couples of course. Scandals are also normal in school. Lol are we going on some kind of teenage hormonal rage? No offense though, i'm sure everyone is serious in their own relationships. What do couples talk about when they see each other all day, every single day? Isn't it boring. I have seen couples trying to find things to talk about, to no avail, Apparently, according to kelly, the reason two people are together is because there's this link between them, so they'll either definitely have something to talk about or feel comfortable with the silence. I'm like....hmmm okay, sure. I think i'll be bored to death. Or maybe i'll be wrong since i've never experienced such feelings before. Oh well, i welcome the blooming of relationships since it means i will have more entertainment through observation and i must say some relationships are really successful, sweet and healthy too.=D

I want to cry, but the tear glands just don't oblige me.